Yes, Yes, Schadenfreude

I’m a woman. That means, in completely abrupt terms, I have to deal with underwire on a daily basis, periods on a monthly basis, a shit ton of upkeep appearance wise and the odd bit of sexism here and there, all of which fuck me off from time to time. However, one of the things that pisses me of to no end is the emphasis that we have on the right weight, the right look, all that crap.

Now I’m not excluding men from this- I know men feel it too. I know that it’s easy to blame Hollywood and magazines for showing images of unrealistic looking people who probably have access to dieticians, personal trainers or at least photoshop. However, even celebrities have weight fluctuations and you need only look at an insensitive paparazzi photo to see that. 

So why am I writing? Well, it’s simple. It’s because I saw this bullshit posted on my friend’s wall, seeing how visibly upset she was by it.

THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

YOU WILL GET FAT IF YOU EAT TODAY. You don’t need food.

I’m sorry, but this is the ideology that idiots and eating disorders are made of (not that I’m saying those with eating disorders are idiots- I’m saying the people that spout this crap that leads to the eating disorders are). Idiotic because you sort of need food to survive. It mightn’t be the stuff worthy of a beauty pageant crown, but it’s a biological fact and a pretty fucking simple one at that. However, I heard something great this eve when I was watching Excess Baggage (DON’T JUDGE ME!) and the nutritionist came on:

“There is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ food. There’s just food. However, some are healthier than others and our attitudes towards it shape how healthy we are.”

I could not agree more. I mean, I love a slice of chocolate cake as much as the next girl, but do I worry about calorie counting and whatnot? No, I just know that I should even it out by having something healthy and not just going ‘Oh, I’ll have a pizza, some Coke, some more chocolate’ afterwards. That’s not healthy, even though there are days where that happens, hehe! On the whole though, as long as you have a decent attitude towards food, you can enjoy it and not have to battle a shit ton of health problems later.

Men will be able to lift you, like you were a feather.

Oh yes, because this is totally important in developing as a healthy human being. Even ballerinas and circus performers adhere to strict healthy diets and an active exercise regimen to ensure they’re fit and healthy. Because being fit and healthy is THEIR FUCKING JOB. As far as your everyday average joe goes, being lifted as if they were a feather isn’t going to be a big part of their life, so fuck that unnecessary crap right off.

You will be able to run faster without the extra weight slowing you down.

You’re acting like being basically anorexic will somehow improve your fitness in some way- IT DOESN’T. Exercising regularly (especially doing cardio) means you’ll be able to run faster. The only way to do that is to have the energy to do so and that’s basically only achieved by having a regular sleep routine and eating good food- marathon runners basically smash through carbohydrates before a big run because carbs and really, food in general gives you energy. Sure some foods are better than others for this (anyone ever had a sugar crash?) but the point is eat your fucking greens and move your arse off the couch or you will die! Not starve yourself and then go for a run- that’s stupid on so many levels.

People will remember you as a skinny, beautiful girl. If somebody is going to describe you, they’ll say: ‘Oh, she’s that really thin girl.’

Amazingly, that isn’t a term of endearment. As amazing as it sounds, people like girls based on how nice a person they are, not by what they look like. But even if they did judge someone by what they looked like, they’d be wondering whether she presents herself with confidence or whether she is hiding in the corner, fantasising about having a cracker. If you’re healthy and happy with your body (which is an amazing but an achievable feat), people will more often than not be drawn to you if you have something to say in conversation. THAT is where peoples’ merit lies, not in how many meals she’s missed today to fit into those clothes.

I’m not beating down on naturally thin girls. I know a lot of girls with a high metabolism and they worry so much about not having the curves that everyone wants. What I do have a problem with is when people constantly associate being thin with being beautiful- not saying that thin girls aren’t beautiful, I’m saying not all beautiful girls ARE thin. As long as you’re a confident, nice person in general, people really aren’t going to give a shit what you look like, whether you’re a size 6 or a size 26. It’s about how likeable you are as a person.

Men will like to get to know you, not turn their back and walk away.

If men did that, I would not have a love life. At all.

Let me tell you what my weight is. I’m 19 years old, I’m 75 kilos and a size 14 and for my height, I’m a bit overweight. I try to eat as healthily as I can whilst still trying to be normal in terms of food because I want to die of old age, not of heart disease or cancer. I don’t do it so I can fit into a tiny top because I love my curves. Sure there are some parts of my body I don’t like, but all the good parts of my body outweigh those, so I can walk up to a guy and feel confident because hey, I look pretty decent and if I feel this way about myself then maybe they will too. I also have things to talk to them about so I’m not going to come across as this vacant cow who has nothing to talk about besides how (not) fat she is!

Amazingly, I only learned this when I was 17 years old, after years of worrying that guys didn’t find me attractive (I found out later that a few did and not just because of my looks, but because of my intelligence) because of all the stupid shit I found wrong with my body only to realise ‘Hey, I’m here. With a guy. He’s still here and obviously wouldn’t be here if he found anything wrong with my body.’ That’s all it took. And the events leading up to that didn’t ride on me wearing a low cut top- no, it came after hours upon hours of talking. We talked, he didn’t turn his back and walk away at the sight of me. He liked getting to know me because I looked friendly and approachable and acted friendly and approachable. No starving required.

Starving yourself is an example of an extremely high level of self control.

No it isn’t. What it is is an example of is an extreme physical and psychological eating disorder known as anorexia nervosa and saying this is enabling this sort of insanity when really, we should be encouraging people to be happy with being healthy and with being whatever shape they are.

You will be able to see your beautiful bones. Bones are real. Fat is something you add to your body, not something you’re born with.

Granted fat is something that is accumulated over time, bit it’s a part of growing up. You don’t stay the same weight you were as a baby because you grow up. Saying that to starve yourself so you can ‘see your beautiful bones’ is like saying ‘stab yourself so you can see your beautiful blood’. It’s self harm and it shouldn’t be glorified and the fact that it is makes me so sick to my stomach that I feel like flinging steaks at everyone.

If you gain just a little bit more weight, you’re going to look like a pig.

I’m tempted to drop the C bomb. I’m not going to, but just know you are one.

I believe in healthy eating. I believe in a bit of exercise to truly lead a healthy lifestyle (by this definition, I don’t lead a healthy lifestyle, but it’s a work in progress :D). What I also believe in however, is that you have the right to control how you look. If you want to lose weight, than do it safely. If you want to keep the weight you’re at, eat a balanced diet. If you want to gain weight, then do it safely and consult your doctor. What isn’t cool is when you force shit like ‘you’re going to look like a pig if you gain a little bit of weight’ down peoples’ throats because it makes you sound like a complete arsehole and seals the deal when someone takes (because let’s face it, someone will) this crap seriously. You shouldn’t force your insecurities onto other people.

Models are the images of perfection and I bet you haven’t seen a fat model.

Um, yes I have. There’s a whole industry of plus size models out there (even though apparently size 14 is plus size. Pfft) with my favourite being Mia Tyler.

The woman’s hot, deal with it.

What’s not to love about this? For one, just look at her- not only does she look wonderful and sexy but she’s not afraid to be in front of the camera and quite frankly, it’s refreshing to see a model with discernable curves for a change. Fat you say? I say beautiful.

To many people are obese.

Fuck you and your terrible grammar. But also, judging by the crap I’ve already read, it looks like you use ‘obese’ as a blanket term to describe anyone over 40 kilos and that’s fucked up. Granted there’s a genuine obesity rate we should be worried about (dying before your time when you have family and friends who care about you a lot is no laughing matter), but as far as someone who starts the day with some Weetbix and OJ, I wouldn’t classify them as obese. You would and that’s why we’re not going to be meeting for coffee any time soon- you wouldn’t drink the bastard anyway so it’d be a waste.

People who eat are selfish.

Hells yeah, I’m selfish because I love food! How the fuck does wanting to eat a reasonable 3 meals a day make you SELFISH? Fuck you, your grammar and your logic.

Only fat people get turned on by fat people.

And no one gets turned on by anorexia. Natural thinness yes (although not everyone does), eating disorders, no.

Do you want pigs to like you, because you’re one of them?

I feel that this may have features somewhere in one of Hitler’s speeches…hell, it’s batshit crazy enough.

Everybody has inner beauty, but only the strong ones can achieve beauty on the outside.

You have a fucked up view of inner beauty as NEVER has inner beauty involved encouraging eating disorders on the basis of ‘Don’t you want to look pretty?’

Inner beauty to me matters far more than physical beauty. If you’re a fucking douchebag in a pair of Ksubi jeans then I’m sorry, but you’re not worth my time. If you’re not physically my type as far as being sexually attractive, then that’s fine; if you make up for it in being a golden human being then there’d still be a chance that I’d date you (although obviously not because I’m with Spike who is golden, inside and out <3). I’ll say it again- if you have something to say in conversation, then it doesn’t matter what you look like! You’ll be an attractive human being, not just a piece of arse.THAT is something that is worth achieving.

You’ll be able to move as gracefully as a spider.

Right, because that’s totally my life’s ambition. Sorry, I forgot- must be all that food making my brain function properly.

Only thin people are graceful.

Tell that to Lydia Rose Bewley. Tell it to her right now.

Graceful? Check. Curves? Check. Absolutely stunning? Motherfucking check.

Lydia Rose made her acting debut in The Inbetweeners Movie as the delightful Jane, the love interest of resident horndog Jay. Needless to say, she’s a graceful lass who led to many a frothing moment between Spike and I in the movie theatre. Gorgeous!

If you hit a fat person, you can hear their body fat moving a long time after.

This is beyond leotarded. Obviously you view the world in slow motion because that is literally the only way this would ever happen. It’s just physics.

Don’t you won’t people to say: Hey, move away, you’re crushing me, I can’t breathe or oh my god, you weigh like nothing?

I generally settle for ‘Oh god, OH GOD!’, haha! Even if you are a little more curvaceous and bodacious, that isn’t to say that there are ways around it when you’re having a bit of sexytimes- all it takes is a little research.

Underweight means body like a ballerina.

Underweight means unhealthy, dumbarse. Even though ballerinas are thin, they have to eat and eat and exercise and exercise so they can build up their stamina. THEY DON’T COMPLETELY STARVE THEMSELVES ALL THE TIME BECAUSE THAT’S DUMB. Granted some don’t eat as much as they should but even so, unless you want to be a ballerina, don’t aspire to have a ballerina’s body. It’s just not realistic.

You wanna be able to be lifted like a balloon into the sky. You wanna be able to walk in the snow without leaving footprints.

You have no understanding of physics whatsoever.

You can solve any of you’re problems if you loose some weight.

Yeah, because you totally read in Woman’s Day the headline ‘My Son Was Kidnapped and I Lost 20 Kilos!’ Yeah, no. Not going to happen. Problems on the inside don’t just go away if you only fix the outside. If anything, they’re more likely to come back unless you get the to core of your troubles and to do that, you need to talk to people. Surround yourself with support. There are people out there who won’t cut you down for feeling miserable. All you need to do is look.

Fuck your grammar over and over.

Saying “No thankyou” to food means saying yes to being thin.

It also means you’re a rude shit who no one will eat with. This is only warranted if you’ve already eaten a shit ton and you’re full as full can be. If this is before the meal’s even begun, it means you’re a rude shit and I’ll explain why.

I come from a family of women who do wonderful things with food. Even my own Mum who doesn’t have a passion for cooking makes me the most wonderful meals that I just love. In our family, you take over food and drinks when invited somewhere because to us, that’s being well mannered and is a sign of love and respect. To break bread together is a bonding experience. If you’re invited over, you don’t bitch about the food you’re served; you take a chance, try something new and if you hate it that much, say thankyou, leave and grab some Maccas on the way home. However, to us outwardly refusing food before you’ve tried it is so bloody rude and placing it under the guise of ‘saying yes to being thin’ is another reason why you deserve a slap. Usually I don’t advocate violence, but in this case I’m willing to make an exception. 

People only notice a fat person if they’re standing in the way of a skinny one.

No, people will notice people having fun out on the dancefloor and those looking down on everyone in the corner. Weight and appearance have very little (if anything) to do with it. God, I cannot comprehend how someone could be this insecure and flat out stupid as to spread this crap!

Have you ever met someone who doesn’t notice a living skeleton?

Another thing that isn’t a term of endearment. Why is it you find something so horrifying attractive? I suppose the same thing was asked to Jeffrey Dahmer and look how he turned out.

Is food more important than being happy?

Being happy is feeling secure in yourself and this here is the complete opposite of that. It encourages people to hate the way they look and spouts that being thin is the only key to being happy, which is so far from the truth it transcends dimensions. Both are vital in being a normal, happy, healthy human being and placing one over the other makes you leotarded.

When you feel dizzy and weak, you’re almost there.

Yeah…you’re almost there. You’re on your way to the emergency room, ready to be hooked up to a feeding tube if that’s what you want. And there’s nothing attractive about that.

Starvation is you’re friend and it won’t cheat you like food will.

No, it’s not and neither are you. What you’re saying is NOT healthy, is NOT going to lead to a world of positive self image and should NOT exist. It’s just you projecting your own fucking insecurity onto others because you can’t deal with it yourself- WAKE UP! Get some therapy and shut the fuck up because it’s YOUR problem, not anyone elses’ and you shouldn’t encourage this sort of behaviour.

Can you mention one good reason for being fat? I can mention 2 millions for being thin!

Well I can mention billions for being healthy. Here’s my top three:

1. So you don’t have to worry about getting things like heart disease, diabetes or cancer.

2. So you’ll be able to have children and participate in so many fun activities.

3. Because there’s so much wonderful food out there and eating a balanced diet ensures you don’t miss out on it!

Thin people look better in any outfit.

That isn’t neccessarily true. Dangerously underweight people don’t look good in ANY outfit. Some clothes work for naturally thin people, others don’t. Some clothes work for athletic bodies, pear shaped bodies, round bodies, shapeless bodies, all kinds- it’s just about finding what accentuates your best features. 

And really, this doesn’t look at all appealing to me:

Or this:

To me, these are sad women who need all the help and support they can get, not encouragement for having an eating disorder.

Nothing is worth being fat for.

But everything is worth being healthy and happy for. But, being happy is finding out what works for you and having the energy to enjoy it.

Now, my aim of this post wasn’t just to bitch at the complete moron who wrote this piece of this ‘article’ (but damn it felt good), so listen closely.

THERE IS NO SUCH THIS AS THE RIGHT HEIGHT OR WEIGHT- ONLY WHAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU.

If you don’t want to lead a healthy lifestyle, then you’re well within your rights to do as you please. However, I’m also going to say that eating healthy food will pay dividends in the long and short term. Attitudes like this are NOT healthy and nowhere near it- you are not going to be ostracised from society if you eat a piece of chocolate cake after a salad. Like I wrote before- there’s no such thing as good or bad food; there’s just food. Some is healthier for you than others but YOU control what you put in your mouth and how much you eat of it. Your stomach is effectively in your hands.

In terms of body image though, find what works for you and roll with it. Everyone’s going to hate their body at some point but honestly, it’s a waste of time focussing on these tiny insignificant details when there’s probably so many good parts about your body that you just won’t notice because all you see is imperfections. You know what though? They make us who we are. If we all looks the same we’d have no variety and that would suck a fat one, being someone who loves variety.

Striving for an unrealistic size is going to be futile and upsetting- worrying about calorie intake and GI and all that crap when you don’t need to (if you have real weight/health problems like diabetes, then it’s understandable) is a pretty boring activity when you could be taking up something interesting like Taekwondo (my personal favourite), a new language, a cooking class, something to improve your skills. And lets face it, if you’re that into dietary metalanguage that much and it’s not part of your career or anything, then you’re going to find that people just won’t be interested if that’s the only thing you talk about. Sure we constantly find ways to improve ourselves, but people like attaching themselves to people who talk about more than just one topic and that is what you should spend your time and energy on. 

Another thing….Women of the world, GUYS DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK YOUR THIGHS ARE FAT!

Real sex appeal is found in your ability to some across as a lovely, smart, confident human being as opposed to having a tiny waistline or big tits. Sure some of those things may help, but they don’t account for nearly as much as being able to go up to a guy and say ‘Hi’. And if you get naked with someone, don’t worry about them analysing your body; they don’t have the ability to do it, seriously. You wouldn’t have gotten there in the first place if they didn’t find you sexy and now you’re there, odds are they’re thinking ‘NAKED! SEX IS GONNA HAPPEN! SHE’S SO HOT! SEX IS GONNA HAPPEN!’ as opposed to ‘Oh my god, look at her thighs. She needs to do Pilates.’ That’s the way it goes- inner beauty overrules outer beauty and I love it!

Men of the world, attractive douchebags may be the ones who rope in the girls, but nice guys are the ones who enter stable relationships.

I see so many of my guy friends rate women and it makes me roll my eyes when I find out that this douchebaggery is related to their own insecurity. Look, guys who are dicks to women are probably going to sleep with women, I’m not going to lie to you. However, those same women are going to fuck off at the first line of dawn because girls do NOT want to present a douchebag to their parents. Besides, looks fade. If you’re a dickwad in you’re youth, you’re not going to have much to show when you get old.

Nice guys do not finish last in this case. While you might not get the attention of the blonde at the bar who has her hands all over yet another douchebag, you are a guy that a girl will want to have a life with. If you’re actually nice and like women, you’re not going to be Forever Alone; you’re going to have a much more fulfilling life than someone who just prowls bars all night, looking for women to sleep with then wondering why they’ve left in the morning. A word from the wise though- girls generally don’t like dating dropkicks, so get yourself a stable job while you’re at it and veer away from shit like drugs- no normal girl wants a crackhead for a boyfriend (and it’s so sad when loved ones turn to drugs).

In a nutshell for both sexes, instead of worrying about how you look, worry about how you are as a human being. Read some books, watch some films, do something nice for someone else, have an amazing experience- all of these contribute to how sexy you are and starving yourself is not going to improve this one bit. It won’t even improve you physically and anyone who thinks otherwise needs serious help. Now.

I’m a size 14. I love a good salad, pizza, chocolate and watermelon. I used to worry about how these thing affected me and why the boys in year 5 would ask out the skinny blonde girls as opposed to me. But in that time, I became me eventually came to love being me. And now I have a lovely boyfriend who loves me and all my curves. I didn’t get him because I starved myself. I got him because I talked to him.

Ok, a few good things first- things are really looking up around here!

- Today was filled with shopping with Mum for interview clothes as she got a job interview at the place she wanted! It’s in a few days and she’s a little nervous, but I know that she’ll absolutely ace the thing. I’m proud as punch- now to work on securing an interview for myself!

- My Stepdad received a bonus from work; he’s one of the many employees of Grenda buses and when he saw that the Grenda family (who’ve just recently sold the company) were giving out in excess of 1.5 million in bonuses down in Victoria, well let’s just say he was less ‘Oh, mine’s coming soon’ and more ‘What the hell?’, believing that one wasn’t coming his way. But it has and we couldn’t be more psyched! Fuckyeah Grenda family!

- Another house we’re interested in has popped up in the same area as the other houses we’re interested in, so we’re going to have a look at it tomorrow; nonetheless, now that some houses that aren’t hovels have popped up, I’m really excited about moving!

- I’m a week away from heading down to Sydney with Spike where we’ll be meeting up and staying with my Dad (who I miss terribly and is pretty much the last one left to introduce Spike to, thanks to time, distance, life, etc)

- My old boss, the ever horrid Belial (subject of this post) is basically getting his just desserts and in a nutshell, my coworkers’ days have been cut down to one. While I still feel a little bit sorry for her (she works hard after all), I know for a fact that he wouldn’t work if he could help it and she wouldn’t work now if she wasn’t getting paid, which can only mean one thing- he can’t afford to keep her on and the business will eventually die. I’d feel the least bit sorry for him if he actually treated me or his suppliers well but really, the only people I feel sorry for in this situation are his family (god knows how they’re doing while he’s spending 15 grand he doesn’t make on strapons he won’t sell) and my old coworker- she’s a hard working lass and does not deserve this shite in the slightest, although it’s not like I couldn’t see it coming (four weeks unpaid, only to be fired after my only paid day- faaarrrrrkkkkk off). As for him, this is, oh, what’s that word…JUSTICE.

So yeah, times are getting more and more bitchin’ every day! I’m still going to work on getting a job and my P’s but it’s just so wonderful that we’ve been given a bit of a break- I’m hoping it lasts but even if it doesn’t, we’ve got some hope which is more than what a lot of people have.

Ok, my Charlie Sheen kick, like a hit of cocaine he loved so, so much, just ain’t dying so I went onto Funny or Die (despite the fact I sort of hate the shit out of the name) and found a list of definitive quotes from the Bitchin’ Rockstar from Mars himself that just make me smile. 

• “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”
• “Winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning. Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry, man, didn’t make the rules. Oops!”
• “I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”
• “You can’t process me with a normal brain.”
• “If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ “It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”
• “I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll.  I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.”
• “Can’t is the cancer of happening.”
• “Wow.  What does that mean? I’m bi-WINNING.”
• “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.”
• “I’m so tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect and bitching and just winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’.”
• “Look what I’m dealing with, man, I’m dealing with fools and trolls.”
• “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.”
• “You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.”
• “I’m sorry man, I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps.” 
• “I’m an F-18, bro.”
• “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”
• “I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
• “I’m bi-winning.”
• “There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”
• “The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.”
• “The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”
• “I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.
• “[CBS] picked a fight with a warlock.”
• “If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”
• “Winning.”
• “I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”
• “C’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”
• “Winning.”
• “Bring me Dr. Clown shoes.”
  
   

Hello folks. Ok, first thing’s first- I am now officially a student of Visual Communication Design and that fact is making me enjoy the shit out of life. Not only that, but my family’s found a few houses we’re interested in and they look fantastic- it’s just a matter of sussing out what sort of lifestyle we want as my parents especially don’t want to go through the process of moving again for a long time. All that’s really left now is to find some part time work- I’m trying my hardest in applying for jobs, so it’s not like I’m pissing and moaning about it without doing anything. There’s bound to be one coming my way soon; as they say, try, try, try again!

And with that, I leave you with this picture.

Charlie Sheen references will NEVER get old.